Im at strip club and am horny
are you so shy because you have an std?
im just going to superglue mistletoe to my forehead and see what happens
When he went down on me, I saw his bald spot... It completely ruined the experience
We are two peas in an std pod
Be careful. Don't drive if your body turns into a caterpillar again.
I wore a firefighters hat and drank beer all night. They had to drive me home after breaking the beer pong table, they told me I was welcome back tonight though...
I'm ordering a French maid costume for my dog too. It's like a couples costume, except for losers with dogs.
I hope Team Snapchat has been enjoying our sex snaps all this week.
Some girl came up to us crying that she lost her phone and you said "if it's meant to be, let it be"
I warned you. Don't come crying to me when your vagina refuses to forgive you for this.
I've discovered my ability to crush a man's ego is greater than my hate for beer.
I had to rename my dildo. I met a little kid who named his teddy bear the same name. It just felt wrong.
I'm six Popsicles away from an existential breakdown.
After walking ten blocks barefoot in Boston I've concluded drunk me needs to make better decisions.
Randomize
