Getting food. Want anything?
Vagina. Double meat no buns. I have the secret sauce
Are you missing anything? I found a wedding ring in my bed this morning.....
I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
She was wasted. Kept yelling "what if I'm pregnant" and trying to push me into the tree. First and last time I bring a girl to my family christmas party.
The EMTs said they would give me as many blankets as I wanted if I didn't pee in the ambulance. They even turned on the sirens.
My mom and dad are smoking a joint while lecturing me on what to bring and how to act in Europe. I'll finish this glass of wine and head over.
im just gonna lie here and collect money in this whoppers bag while sprawled out on this bench and explain that its to buy weed for my hangover
Sorry for locking you out after accusing you of eating my Skittles... I realized I was mistaken after just throwing up the rainbow.
Happiness is watching your asshole boss' police DUI video.
Why is my fridge empty save for a basketball???
I wish university was like frosh week all the time and then they just give you a degree for surviving
Like my new perfume? It's a combination of Fireball, sex and bad decisions.
I went to her house she had a kid pool in her living room watching the vacation channel drinking rum out of the bottle saying" life is what you make it. Mines a vacation!!!"
This summer has already been like the best summer ever. FREEDOM IS AWESOME. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND GOD BLESS THE SINGLE LIFE.
I woke up at 6:30 in the morning on the A train on 14th street. You wouldn't know anything about that right?
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