i just spent the last half hour thinking about my totally irrational and intense hatred of wedge flip flops.
i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
I wish my period boobs were my regular boobs.
How are you feeling today?
i could've thrown up on command at any point today...
I need a legitimate reason as to why the microwave door is in the shower
I can't tell if your life is amazing or needs reevaluation when "did I get hit with a nightstick" is a legitimate question.
college stoner meal of the day: microwaved nutrigrain bars
He just dragged himself across the floor on his back claiming to be "the swiffer" help
Can't talk right now. I'm doing tequila shots with my professor at some Mexican bar. That's how I prepare for finals.
Nvm, he just almost drank his drink from last night, his drink that has the condom in it. Kinda answers my question.
Would "deck the halls with penises " be an appropriate event title? I know peni is the plural but flow of the tongue as well
Dude the little bong I just got fits nicely in the cup holder in my car. The gods approve of my habits.
IF I CANT STRIP TO SANTA BABY THEN WHY EVEN HAVE CHRISTMAS.
She just started crying. With my dick still inside her. Something about her grandpa.
So his dick was definitely bigger than it looked in all the pictures he sent my daughter.
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