I wish I could punch you in the face.
This girl is more easily done than said...
he spit gasoline on a tiki torch to impress a girl. he caught on fire but did get laid. success.
Who did Billy Mays play for?
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Could a canary swim?
Last time I ever let you pet sit.
I cant help but queef when the male extremity enters
What is a male extremity?
i didnt realize it was that long since you've had sex
I wonder sometimes what your vagina thinks about you.
When i asked him what happened all he said was, the toucan... the toucan... over and over again.
your dad made us margaritas and breakfast on the morning. I think it's safe to say he relives his glory days through us
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He just walked up to me in the kitchen, pulled out his penis and stuck it in my sweatpants pocket.
It was probably cold. Sweatpants pockets are notoriously warm.
There is no such thing as a great breathalizer story. That isn't a thing that exists.
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
These girls just walked into this party as reverse cowgirls... Wearing cowboy clothes all backwards
I'll have sex with you for tacos. I don't care, man.
well it was great until i saw his anime body pillow
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