hey my socially awkward cousin is our designated driver for summer, we just have to put up with her wierd shit.
so while we were having sex, he stuck it in my but, and when he finished he goes next time can we have anal. i don't know if that means im tight or my butt hole is loose, i choose to think the first one
He looks like the kind of guy that still collects pokemon cards
There's nothing like vomiting in the restroom at work to remind you that you're not in college anymore.
How do you say "I'm not pregnant in Spanish?"
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
Kristy will be communicating through my phone. Due to her current blood alcohol level, the laws of Pennsylvania, Erie county, and common decency have deemed that she is no longer permitted to have her own phone.
I was dressed in monkey onesie serving people vodka jelly with a spoon...
I slept with him because his girlfriend should know better than to be with him given is reputation. It was like sex and a lesson all in one.
Do you ever feel like your dog agrees with you? Like REALLY really agrees.
Shaving your bikini line at 11 at night in the Walmart bathroom feels trashy no matter why you're doing it.
You are a genius and a whore.
We woke up today with 24 donuts, a tie, two jugs of vodka that we traded an extra sandwich for, and a british boy
Well, I ruined his toilet and he's still completely okay with me. Plus, it took him like a week to tell me.
If a girl I didn't love ruined my toilet I don't think I'd stick around.
His birthday is on cinco de mayo and he doesn’t drink or like tacos. What a waste.
Randomize
