Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
She got all mad because she said it was "unprofessional" to tell my manager to go fist herself.
My chemistry professor just asked me if I ever found a ride home from the bar last Saturday
it's like his penis is God's way of saying "sorry about his face"
Well, I want to see you regardless of whether or not you will lick whipped cream off my body.
Hey, this is a mass text. I have a hospital bill from November, and I don't know from what. Did anyone bring me to the hospital on a drunken night that I don't remember...?
Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.
oh god my hair smells like rotten vegetables, sweat, and tequila. I wanna party with your neighbors every night.
She is sending me pics of her sex faces...which totally counts as sexting in my book
We were sitting outside of the building and he literally just walked up with no pants on. This is the best college ever
I slid a quarter down a drunk man's butt crack last night. Qdoba gets rowdy
OK, but next time I'd like to be present for our make-up sex.
Currently eating Dominos at the bar high as shit so that's how homework is going
I think I'm dead. Also I think I stole $20 from a stripper.
You did. Then gave it to me.
Say whatever the fuck you want about me, but leave my deceased cat out of it.
Randomize
