last night i got mauled by 2 gay men who were trying to make each other jealous by making the other think they could swing back- you're going to love atl
i would rather give Shaq a handjob than take this accounting final
I just made out with a girl with a life jacket on wtf is going on
..i think i can hear you losing your virginity
oh god...if the people that live above me killed themselves again then im gonna assume im the worst neighbor ever
I wasnt going to have sex with him until i ran into his gf at chipotle. It was like the gods were saying "Go ahead. Shes already had her burrito for the day"
I walked in and you were laying on the floor bleeding everywhere half asleep half crying and moe was at the kitchen table eating frozen pizza refusing to acknowledge you. What a sight.
You fell out of your barstool, I tried to help you but you said if I got any closer I'd be drinking my meals through a straw, So there you sat.
Note for the future: whiskey syrup is AMAZING on 3am pancakes.
threw up on my 7.30 AM placement test. Never again
There is no such thing as a great breathalizer story. That isn't a thing that exists.
He gave me my financial savings if I invested with him while I was giving him a bj.
I mostly blame me being such a miserable fuck on the fact that I was born on a Monday.
What the fuck happened last night.... I woke up with a bowl half full of ravioli next to my head, reversed on my bed still fully clothed.....
You walked in on us hooking up, hugged me, high fived him and unhooked my bra.. You claimed to be helping
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