I'm sooo using this pickup line: "Baby, its not the 2.5 inches... Its the 200 pounds behind it"
I found a knife in my bed when I got back this morning. I think one of my roommates has it in for me
Zach is always passed out on the floor somewhere.face down in a puddle of his own absurdity
Thats not what we're looking for. I want this kid to suck a lolly pop out of a stripper's snatch.
You didn't act like you were blacked out yesterday...
I didn't know
I hope your pay increase has gone through because I might need bail. This is not what I dreamed adulthood would be like.
Im invoking the "no judgements" clause of our friendship.
My god, what have you done?
I just love it. It's warm and soft and the rest of the world is so mean. My bed would never be mean to me
Summer bikini season begins today. I hereby declare the commencement of the 2013 HUNT FOR CUNT.
im pretty sure the interns at this hospital have gotten hotter
I just called my boyfriend "Dad"... Awkward
She flashed us last time and pissed all over the floor this time. I'm scared to invite her back.
I dont think you understand. A NOODLE FELL OUT OF MY VAGINA! I DEMAND TO KNOW WHAT YOU DID TO ME LAST NIGHT!
last time we tried to watch a movie together, we ended up having really aggressive sex. during the Lion King. so what Disney classic will we be ruining this time?
How are you and the lady friend?
Well, she's a lunatic, and I love sex, so we're good.
Randomize
