your head's too prwtty to be stuck in the books
That fat broad you banged out last night is still here and I can hear her snoring through the living room wall. I would leave, but I don't want to come home to an empty fridge.
You think the Elephant Man ever tried to pick up chicks claiming all his appendages were elephant-sized?
she's about as cool as a sandpaper handjob.
So guy #2, the dancer, is programmed into my phone under the name H.uy. His number- 11 digits. I should have stopped drinking.
I just found 3 condoms in my math textbook... in the probability section... Under dependent and independent events...
You know, he picked a really shitty time to stop sleeping with me to pay attention to his girlfriend.
I just saw that blonde chick you wanna bang rolling down the hall wearing a Thor mask..
Wow. We're meant to be..
he ran through my sliding door
in his defense that door gets complicated after 10 beers
She dumped me and then asked if I wanted to come to her improv show. Fuck theatre majors, man.
Shia LaBeouf arrested in austin for public intoxication. JUST DO IT
Oh dear. Sending much love.
Just send a machete.
I was told i took a shot doing a headstand in the backseat then proceeded to barf all over my face
I had no idea you were so talented.
Question: how does one descretely ask the ice cream truck driver thats out at 10:00pm if he sells weed?
so i went over to her house and we played crash bandicoot, ate calzones, and had sex all day. im in love.
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