theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
tonight i'm making a christmas tree shaped shot pyramid
I dont know if he should be happy or mad about it but he's too big for a blow job.
you know you made it when your beer pong table is made from imported italian hardwood
apparently breaking a beer bottle and then throwing up in a urinal is a terrible way to pick up girls.
He asked me If i had cheated on my boyfriend when I said no he said it's like he doesnt know me anymore
She keeps stunt undies in her bag, 2 sizes too small. She leaves them behind so the guy thinks he was luckier than he was...
Divorce is final. Doing tequila shots at 1 in the afternoon.
I can always make him wear a mask... I'll tell him it's a fetish.
he's my ex-boyfriend's best friend... he tried to make out with me to prevent me from hitting his friend. then they almost fought about it.
teach me your ways.
your love of good penises attached to ugly faces is disgusting and slightly disturbing.
Things were easy when he was just a penis. Now he's a penis with feelings.
Taking out my recycling and 90% of it is alcohol and cat food. I am judging myself.
I don’t have enough daddy issues for this shit, make him go away
yea i'll help you find a man. but, when I say jump, you say on who.
Randomize
