I puked a lego.
I proposed and she said yes man.
You realize the irony of surrendering on independence day, right?
I woke up with my 26er down my pants and a peice of paper stuck to my forehead with gum that said "tell it to the greek goddess beside me"
hahaha our party bus just died on the freeway and we're drinking in the center divider. i'm on the roof. i win
good luck with ur interview. Just show them your confidence and don't make that sucking snot noise. Really don't. Praying for you, love mom
Hah, I lost the lenses in my glasses, didn't event notice til this morning... How was the meeting?
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
Sorry I pissed in your dining room and kicked your best friend in the face while he was passed out.
Last time i was there we saw the window of the pizza place we were at get busted, we were pulled out of a taxi to be questioned by the cops, and we peed outside a waffle house. I'm in.
You're like my little fucked up version of the groundhog seeing its shadow, only it's boobs and warm weather.
We just fucked like crazy and now I'm dipping chips in macaroni & cheese. I feel completely accomplished. This may be the best day ever.
I have booze and I wanna give you a bj. How can you be mad at me?
havent showered in 2 days. just Febrezed my balls in the car before going into a movie alone with a 40 of Guinness.there isn't a word in English for how single I am.
Did you really think putting a napkin over your head would make you giving him a bj less obvious?
The smell of pee and coconut conditioner still makes me think of him
Randomize
