I think i just called up my ex and talked to her for 20 minutes about frogs and how happy i am to be wearing shorts
dude ... she has a full length mirror in her shower, don't even tell me shes not dtf
she was throwing up and singing "I HAD a feeling that tonight was going to be a good good night." And yeah she was still in her dress.
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
Slugs feel like vagina... thought you would want to know
We woke up, fucked, and shared a piece of my sister's first communion cake for breakfast.
And you thought you were going to hell last weekend.
I demanded respect from my fuck buddy. Drunk me is not fun.
I walked in on you rubbing your nose all over his face while straddling him and yelling "I'M SO SORRY!" repeatedly. I'd say you were in pretty good shape at that point in the night.
If it's any consolation, I've been sitting in the hallway in assless chaps for the past thirty minutes
My going away gift was all of them dancing around with solo cups on their dick and balls...these are my friends
I took a hang over nap infront of the door to my 9am class
is leaving the club to fk in his friends van subtle?
American Eric just peed on us from the second floor. Hes now very confused as to why his "toilet is yelling." Send help.
He caught a Pokemon on my head while I sucked him off. I think I need to marry him.
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
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