Swine flu. Run for my life!
She just sent me a txt where every word ended in "zzz", with about a hundred "!!!" and called herself "juicezzz". I need back up.
awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
As I was driving her home she congratulated each and every deer we saw for making it through the first day of dear season.
story update. I'm locked out of my house. Walk of shame advisory extended...
Just hit him with your car. I can guarantee he won't do it again.
if things do not go as planned you should see me walking down I81 blindfolded and pantless
He referred to our sex as being similar to "Two cheetahs cage fighting" and I have to agree.
She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.
He's like a hurricane
a drunk, sexist, hurricane
From the bottom of my heart, thanks for never sending me unsolicited dick picks.
Well I'm sorry I assumed you were a human and that humans have the capability to forget sometimes.
Apparently I made a chicken patty, angrily took it out of the microwave, walked outside, and threw it over the balcony. #me
If me saying "come f***k me now" is talking, then yes.
It was probably bad to sleep with someone just to pet his dog right?
Randomize
