Alex, there's no such thing as a fancy sex store.
my hangover today makes thursday's feel like a bubble bath.
A hard boiled egg and a shot of tequila is not brunch.
i had just passed the point of no return when my mom opened my door. I hid my dick and took the porn off the computer in time but i still had to explain my day at school to her WHILE i was jizzing in my pants.
I'd give my left nut to see you
don't do that. I like the set
Besides, I'm not in my 30's. I'm still allowed to drink wine from a bag.
Afterwards she kept poking it and saying "it looks so sad and small" I dont know if I wanted to reach this state in our relationship...
I figured, if I'm going to wear a gold cape its pretty safe to assume I'll be blacking out as well.
He's texting from midnight mass asking for nude pics. Baby Jesus is spinning in his manger as we speak
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
I just instagramed a picture of an ostrich in case you were wondering what I did with my night
Sending emails to my new boss whilst unable to move from the toilet seat because of alcohol. Great start to a new job as a school counselor.
It's Saturday night and I'm getting shitfaced alone while reading Dino porn. Wassssuuuupppp
He kept telling me that it stood for Sex Utility Vehicle
I’m 37 with a career and a home and yesterday my niece set up Snapchat so I can sext with my 22 year old boyfriend/fuck buddy. Yes. Yes I’d say I need help?
Randomize
