Sad Moment: I only had enough $ at 711 to buy chips or salsa. I chose salsa and took a plastic spoon
i grabbed his hand and told him i loved him and then he looked down and said "i love...mallomars" and shoved like three in his mouth. never been so embarrassed.
Goose bottles do NOT make good bowling pins
im taking a nap outside. wake me up in an hour.
way to go to work and not wake me up. when you get home youre rubbing me with aloe and giving me a blowjob. no excuses
I just had to stop two people giving each other hand jobs in the pool. That was not something I was taught in lifeguard training
Is it bad that my only regret is fucking on the bathroom floor and not the sink?
And don't worry, my exact words were "I can't believe a baby came outta that thing"
i am willing to donate my body to this science experiment when it means free blowjobs
My therapist keeps stopping to ask what 'hooking up' means
ITS ORAL SEX CAROL
We have to do it Saturday and get a thirty. If i remember correctly it takes me 12 beers to become a wizard
I've fucked him twice and literally had no idea that he's missing a thumb
I'm that daughter that had to send her mother "DON'T GET SHITFACED" & yes, in ALL CAPS.
Here’s how sick I am. I’m not hungry. I don’t want coffee. And I don’t want dick. So, you know it’s bad.
Sitting in the car eating a bagel. Watching a guy do tai chi in the parking lot. My morning is fabulous
It was get out of line and go pee and get no beef briskit. Or stay in line, pee my pants, but have beef briskit. I really wanted my beef briskit
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