Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
Megan Fox is the only woman I would let pee on me.
I'm similar. She's the only woman I'd ask to pee on me.
Ok yeah you're right. I'd ASK Megan Fox to pee on me. I'd ALLOW Erin Andrews to pee on me if she asked.
i woke up with someone drivers licenses in my wallet this am...he said i don't have a business card so just take my drivers license
i just noticed 4 flies in my red wine. i drank them.
He set 8 alarms to make sure I took my birth control on time..
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
Tequila is the liquid version of celery. I lose more calories during tequila drunk and the following sexual activities than I gain by drinking it...
I wonder if she thought to herself "I'm gonna sleep with that guy tonight" when she watched me puke on the bar at 3 in the afternoon?
i have to go- we're throwing the dummy from the balcony again
Do you ever just look at me and get embarrassed?
Yeah kinda weird. My grandparents are here for dinner and I'm chilling on the couch close to tripping out on pain killers. My pap asked me how works going and I prettymuch drooled on myself as an answer.
I just used my AAA membership to fix a strippers flat tire in return for a lapdance...does that make me a bad person?
I wish I could have seen the drive thru woman's face after " May I please have 20 Mcflurrys.....and a large diet coke, I'm trying to watch my weight for bikini season."
can we not compare my dick to a children’s folk tale
If the smell of things stopped me from putting things in my mouth. I wouldn't be popular with Grindr guys.
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