I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
If I were a boy, I'd name my penis Reptar.
I need you to send me a picture of your dick. I want to forward it to that girl and you and i both know you're more impressively sized
Dangr zzzzzzzzone
The cute guy in my class hurt himself and is on crutches. My first thought was "Good. He'll be easier to take down." Like he's a gazelle and I'm a dick tiger. What's wrong with me?
We were having an argument with his friends mom about whether it was worse that he bootycalled me at 4 a.m. or that I bootycalled him at 12 in the afternoon
You better be Eskimo Brother-ing the FUCK out of tonight right now. Long distance 'balls deep' high five
Basically I don't wanna put on pants...but I'm stoked for drinking my face off tomorrow.
this st patricks day sucks
ill send jameson via bank tube 150+ miles
Thank you. Next to bondage, soft American Apparel t-shirts are the best things you've taught me about.
Yeah man... I ordered donuts, drank wine, and cried to a movie with Seth Rogen in it. Do you really think I have my shit together?
WTF ARE YOU DOING IT'S FUCKING VEGAN COFFEE IT'S MADE WITH NUT MILK YOU'RE NOT A FUCKING SQUIRREL.
It's just really funny to hear them talk about March for Life when literally every single one of those girls has had an abortion
All I remember is you shouting "THIS KID IS A FREAKIN' NINJA!!" when he dive rolled over a barbed wire fence and proceeded to ask for his 18th beer.
Replacing my paralegal is easy. Replacing my favorite office fuck toy is a totally different story. Damn him for wanting to better himself instead of being my manwhore
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