Our house smells like week old pizza, beer cans, cigarettes, and depressing career tracks....get lysol.
I think dad's getting high again. His last google search was "awesome ping pong shit."
I mean I woke up wearing my bathing suit which blows my mind
Fuck buddy has no power. Invited her over to use my shower. I love hurricaines.
You just kept insisting that you and the homeless man went way back, and that you bonded over how cold you both were.
She was kind of put off because I kept calling her baby my spirit animal and staring hungrily at her breasts.
Come back. She's looking through naked pics of his exes on his phone and questioning him about them and I'm too drunk to walk away.
But I wanna cuddle and just put my hand awkwardly close to your penis area by accident and look at you
So because I got upset you didn't answer I threw my phone in the garbage disposal last night
Holy crap, church bells in Cibolo just scared the hell out of me. I'm pretty sure they were yelling sinner at me.
Omg this is like trying to sleep on a pile of ballsacks.
So this is completely apropos of nothing, but I have a feeling that a friend of mine might be a good match for you. Can I set you two up on a date? Oh, and it seems that we live a block away from each other and aren't having sexy times. This is ridiculous. By the way, there's a chance that I might be a tad drunk. Still though, there's a very *good* chance that you and Mr. X would get along.
He was jealous of me and threatened by me. I'm like, just cause I could fuck your girlfriend doesn't mean I'm going to
She's not even my type. She doesn't have a penis or a drug problem
Maybe you should stop dating for awhile if the chicks aren't working out. Reacquaint yourself with your hand or something.
You stocked up?
No actually didn’t get a chance. If you wouldn’t mind bringing me a brownie and a bottle of Jameson that’d be nice
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