i just renamed my vag "the sorting hat"
the last 2 times weve had drunk sex ive had to get the morning after pill.. he's turning into a real expensive fuck buddy.
aparently i pased my english final. I don't even remember taking it.
I think it's our patriotic duty to get high and watch the state of the union tonight
I was talking to a guy at my work, and mid-sentence he started vomiting violently for about five minutes, then he said, " great dope" and carried on like nothing had happened.
If you wake up tomorrow and start to wonder.... Yes you did just eat mild sauce from taco bell out of the package while informatively yelling about the loss of my virginity
I mean I don't object to weird looking penis as long as it gets the job done. I just need to get it in. I'm gonna be humping chairs soon.
Well, if you're getting/have gotten your dick sucked, you're welcome. If not, I tried. Step up your game, pussy. I pulled a MacGuyver and got mine. No excuses bro.
I peed sitting down because I knew standing was a lost cause
So I've been in more fights on one leg than I've had on two.
Is it bad that when someone says the phrase "helicopter dick" I immediately think of you?
Also, if you don't fuck me soon, I will die. I don't want to die like that.
If all that ever happens between us is orgasms and dank memes, I think I'd be okay with that.
i found you passed out on the floor with a half-eaten pie. i figured youd be the last person to care if i went and banged your sister
i just woke up in my dog's bed, on my parents floor, my outfit on backwards, and a bottle of lube poured down my pocket.
Randomize
