If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
she was dressed as a doctor claiming that after she was done i would have a "permaboner"
She tried to keep her legs crossed last night while doing a keg stand. Way to keep it classy.
MRIs the morning after St. Patty's Day was a poor choice.
I've spent the last ten minutes rubbing glue sticks on the wall
Most sexually ambiguous night of my life. Kept switching from the NBA finals to the Tonys.
YOUR BALLS CAME OUT. DONT CALL ME A SHITSHOW.
Running across campus through Hurricane Sandy while hammered and in a slutty cowgirl costume obviously should be top priority tonight
Carson when you get home I want you to go downstairs and go into each bedroom and pick up the underwear and either throw it out or give it back to the people who own them. Look all over the room. Thank, Love Mom
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
But in fairness, I would totally have a robo-penis as long as it had full sensation.
Are you okay?
I went home with a 38 year old guy in a kilt, do I look okay!
I am in serious pain and you're making dick jokes. I hope you wind up with crotch rot.
next time you go get food at three am and leave a rando here can you warn me??? Also i tazed him. but it was just my little one so i think he'll be fine. bring me some fries.
Apparently I called down to the hotel front desk and begged them to bring us pizza. They brought us tea.
Randomize
