Pretty people don't get stds, I knew it
A freshman just woke up on our back pourch... He swears there was a party here last night but we didn't have one
Hooked up with my first aid and cpr teacher last night. She dressed as a lifeguard and brought me back to life. Beat that.
how do you say "fuck me and leave bruises" in italian?
I do what I can to inject something into your life every day. Today, humor. Saturday. Penis.
not saying it was a bad idea to throw an impromptu party but someone stole the microwave
She pulled a wad of lint out of my bellybutton while she was blowing me. Said she's never seen anything like it. I've never gone soft so fast.
So the first 4 hours of my morning was equivalent to seeing under water. Things were starting to get better until I remember I drank mustard for free stuff and flossed my teeth with a strand of hair from a stranger in the bathroom.
I think I am calling out of work due to a hangover. I'm 96% sure there ISN'T tampon stuck inside me.
I'm not saying Tijuana was a bad idea, I'm saying that we make poor life choices. And Steve was robbed by the police.
I am sufficiently unimpressed with the options available to my freshly shaved self tonight.
As long as you keep bringing fries home, i'll keep being naked when you get home
tell your brother to quit sending me his dick pics what am i going to do with them print them out and shove them up my ass???
I'm wearing a sports bra. Of course I'm not getting laid tonight.
Sometimes I look at dogs and just thing about how it's weird we both came from wolves
Lay off the drugs kid
Randomize
