This guy sitting next to me just bought a plot of land off the internet. On a whim. In the middle of class
38 yer olds are good kisserssss
Im handcuffed to some kid i hardly know. there are no cops involved
at the resort hottubing with french twins, who brought champange. this should be a postcard.
Her brother was practicing the clarinet....it was like having sex in a starbucks
I just banged that chick from the bar by speaking french. all i had to do was recite my grocery list
So I just told the bartender I would go down on her. You need to get here
Remember when we used to share painkillers at parties? Now we're dealing in blood pressure pills. Oh, how the mighty have fallen.
The only thing I remember is doing a toddlers and tiaras dance routine onstage. I fucking CURTSIED.
OMG stop. Pretty feet? Sparkle baby!
Do you think you could handle being our babysitter if we roofied ourselves for fun??
What's the mantra for Sunday?
I will not have sex with him.
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
Can you come pick me up and take me to breakfast then the police station?
Where's your car?
The girl I brought home apparently stole it
Hey can you explain why there's a dissected coconut in my purse????
Nothing says hey I wanna be your friend again like ambushing me with a dick pic
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