I think I gave almost everyone at that party the clap last night
I just saw how many times I called you last night. You're welcome.
just saw bouncers outside a coffee shop. beginning to question humanity.
I had a terrible day! The only thing that makes me feel better is knowing Jack Bauers day was worse.
you made sure to tell everyone that the amount of people you had slept with was actually quite low, especially when the size of your breasts was taken into account
he just left. I blew him in my kitchen while my parents slept down the hall. Welcome back home!
You know why I moved here? No public intoxication law. A cop just helped me from my bent over vomit pose, asked if I was ok, and gave me a ride home.
just found a bag of Oreos in my purse labeled "emergency".
Is shaving my mustache contingent on you sleeping over tonight?
I wonder what acid is like for a blind person... Can we find this out?
What's up with the fire hydrant in the laundry room?
I also made him write a nonfiction romance novel about what happened and to give it to me when the time was right
I just sent an "I'm sorry I forged a prescription in your name" email. It was one of the more awkward things I've done this week.
I've replaced you with thin mints and masturbation
Between his smile and monumental dick even the virgin mary woulda blown that man and I am far from the virgin. I didn't stand a chance.
Randomize
