Every time there's an awkward silence a gay baby is born
i just threw up in front of the washington monument. such a scenic puke.
Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
I was taking a bath and he burst in, sat down and started taking a shit. RIGHT BESIDE ME. My lack of privacy astounds me.
we spent fifteen minutes trying to convince you that you weren't locked inside of your car
What changed your mind?
Being sober
Just got a message on OkCupid from a 20-year-old who has "Momma's Boy" tattoed across his chest and thinks the earth is bigger than the sun.
OMG. Dad just threw a 100 dollar bill down on the table for a girl to lift her shirt. I think he was kidding, but...
Never have i felt more judged than when i was throwing up in front of a hello kitty shower curtain at 5 in the morn
how am i in montreal? thats like a 3 hour train ride. i remember nothing.
You fell out of his top bunk onto his set of golf clubs. After seeing blood on your leg, you proceeded to sing "the first cut is the deepest" while sprawled on the golf clubs
Just googled myself and a bunch of boob shots of me came up. Apparently my phone automatically uploaded them to my google plus.
Please google me ASAP and ensure I corrected this...
Watching Colbert Report and porn at the same time.
she told him my safe word. I'm gonna casually work it into conversation and at him suggestively to see if he realizes i want to have rough sex with him
He went down on me for like 30 min and honestly half the time I thought about those videos where people can smash watermelons with their legs and I just wanted to do that to his skull
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