I only gave you my number because I thought fat people were jolly
His second form of ID was an emergency room wristband from an hour ago. What the fuck is going on right now
Haha yeah he had an allergic reaction to the alcohol earlier. He thinks that if he only drinks vodka he will be ok...
Dude i have a 6th sense for when bagel bites are ready.
He started yelling "fuck the environment" then puked all over the baby trees
Any little, cute, petite blondes with you?
Nah, I got some slutty brunettes though.
Gay TA. Finally going to boost my GPA your way.
The lid of our salsa is promoting a contest that ended in July '09
Yeah but he's impersonating a gargoyle jumping off of everything. Including the walls.
I just mistook cooking oil for the whiskey that was also on the counter... They're the same colour. That was not a good shot... I need to not drink alone.
Dude. When are you coming home? I'm laying in bed watching the Grinch and trying to pet a cat that I'm not even sure exists.
In the pictures there's a flower in my hair and also a lobster, I need those things explained
He said he didnt want to choke me, I said im sorry thats a deal breaker.
Also I just took the BEST ass selfie of my adult life.... it's gonna be a good day haha
feeding cats lunchmeat on my kitchen floor. come pour me another shot.
So what if is hockey, you don’t turn down sex with a professional athlete. They work out all day and have amazing stamina. Your vagina will thank you!
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