onenightstand. Woke up and saw my nuva ring on the floor. apparently he thought it was a glow stick. pick me up please?
he didnt ask why there was a glowstick shoved up your vag?
Well whatever you do have, it sure worked on me.
A Penis?
Brogan sounds similar to Bridget...sorta.
Every girl's name is automatically translated to "Baby/Milk Carrier" in my brai
I don't think there's a better bc pill reminder then when teen mom comes on
i proceeded to stick my hands in his pants while he continued to repeat i have a girlfriend
Sadness tears and throw up everywhere
When did you hit me on the head with a stool?
I was crying hysterically and you wouldn't stop petting my ear and shushing me every time I tried to say something.
Please high five our old drug dealer for me please.
Well for starters the people who just made my burger at the grab and go just told me to "hang in there"
I swear to God, if you drunkenly correct my grammar one more time, I'm cutting you off.
My arms are hairy. And so Is my left leg. Just my left leg, the right is smooth.
Hey. It's Michael. The guy that had his tongue in your mouth last night. Just wanted to check in with you.
i spent most of last night convincing myself that dan akroyd wasn't actually standing in my bathroom holding a dead chicken
If there's someone that knows accidental pantlessness, it's Mike.
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