this girl looks like the female version of brooke hogan
I feel that the whole multiple orgasm thing is god's way of saying "sorry for the childbirth deal"
just did the walk of shame by his grandma. what the fuck is an old lady doing up at six am?
I microwaved pizza rolls, a hot dog, and bacon in the same plate with no paper towels. I drank the grease at the end. I'm going to vomit everywhere.
Is it weird I want to fuck the cartoon chick from e-surance??
We made a water bong out of a wine bottle... Being an architect major finally payed off.
Wait also totally unrelated but can horses sit down?
I just tried to picture one and I don't think they can cause I can't envision it
Well I was kicked out of the bar and woke up on a picnic table. I'd say the night was awesome!
He balanced a treat on his nose, and then he rolled me a joint. My bf is the best pet ever.
I sent him a tit pic with the caption, "Mt. Arie and Mt. Hola are ready for expedition." Too nerdy?
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
Just found the measuring tape in my bathroom. How drunk could I have possibly been on Saturday?!
I don't intentionally mean to ruin relationships for personal gain but. Yeah nah I totally do.
Tinder in Coventry is like browsing a gallery of mugshots from Azkaban
My life is over, I got a mugshot while wearing a shirt that said 'milf hunter'.
Randomize
