She took her shirt off and was broader than Dwight Howard.
Walked in on my boss having phone sex at work... and somehow this didnt bother nor embaress him
I was so drunk. I apparently did a flip over the balcony using it as monkey bars. Ya I hurt a bit today
I think I'm still drunk and I think you were in my dream (sadly, it was not a sexual bill murray one).
I woke up this morning to my house being turned into a bad European dance club at 8:30am. Do you know what "UNS UNS UNS" sounds like at 8:30am? Murder. It sounds like murder.
Woke her up in the middle of the night with the smell from a fart. So proud of my colon.
I'm an approx 70% certain someone switched my UV Blue for Windex - just as volatile as you might think.
I stopped his blowjob to raise 3 fingers & whistle the hunger games tune to the people walking past the window
Fuck you fireball...just straight up fuck out of here
They won't let me buy alcohol in the airport until 9am. Super judgemental
I just lectured my ex boyfriend on how to eat a girl out what has my life come to
I think I just got buffalo sauce on my penis. Is that a turn on or off?
You would critique a dick pic. Damn art people.
Quit bitching. I brought you a muffin.
Is it a bad thing when vodka doesn't taste like vodka anymore?
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