I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
So he thinks I sent him a picture of my boob last night, but it was really just a close up of my arm.
And you kept repeating "I didn't know know that this was a no blow job zone."
When I told her that her boyfriend was making out with another chick, all she said was "which one"
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
Headed to the bar now. If I smell faintly of latex and tuna, it's just the new scent I'm trying.
What should I wear?
Uhhhhh...idk? it's a gay bar
I found something that says "i'm here to party, but not fuck guys."
okay just a general question, but if i got arrested, who here would bail me out. this is important.
Ok I've processed it. Who the fuck makes out drunk in a parking lot in a backseat with the windows down in the middle of the day?!?!
i took four shots of tequila, threw my fist up in the air, then went around the party showing everyone how to do the ninja turtle handshake. that's the last thing I remember
It was all good till you had ppl chasin shots of ciroc with fucking applesauce
I mean, how am I going to build a relationship on trust if he finds out I roofied him?
Checked my bank account this morning...apparently I went to 7-11 at 4am and spent $22 on taquitos. New all time low for me.
I ate all of them. New all time low for ME.
Just remembered sticking my head out the window as i drove us to walmart and yelling that i was a golden retriever.
Also, sorry for verbally assaulting you when you asked if you could dump the bowl.
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