I need to start cutting my cocaine with Plan B
she just waddled down the stairs behind me and puked and kind of reached for me but i sped up. does that make me a bad person?
Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
fter the third song from an iPod commercial played I realized how much that frat sucked.
i just figured out how to balance my wine bottle on my boobs so that i don't have to tip it with my hands...breathing has new meaning
i should not be allowed to orgasm that much in one day.
I woke up to you singing What Makes You Beautiful and trying to blend an avocado with vodka.
New Halloween costume idea: Frankenstorm. We have three hours. Make it work.
Well I woke up at my house so that's a plus. But I'm pretty sure I peed on my sofa because I woke up in the pee position.
I never realized how weird our shower smells until I cracked a shower beer and had a familiar aroma to compare it to.
Science requires me to take a picture of your nipples.
She needs to move out. Her mom interferes with my penis being touched
We're sitting on the kitchen floor drinking and talking about mounting real light sabers to the dog's head.
Fursuit judi Dench just stared directly at me for 3 solid minutes telling me that cats arent dogs and i believe her because if i dont cat jason derulo might try to have sex with me
Getting a smaller wine glass hasn’t changed the amount I drink—it just means I get more steps each day. Cheers to health!
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