the only thing i have to deal with now is the fact that i'm still wearing spandex shorts from last night
I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
He slapped my ass and hummed the jello theme song, which was followed by an overly loud "IT'S ALIVE!"
You going out tonight?
No I am at the hospital. Throwing up blood is apparently frowned upon.
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I have three paper towels stuck up my vagina. This is not a time to be calm.
Wheres my essay?
You mean the vodka drenched shreds of paper taped all over the walls of the hallway?
I come bearing gifts of whiskey and vagina
I puked walking onto the plane. How do you think my post-Birthday hangover went?
So tomorrow I have my performance review with my boss who I banged. When I go in should I ask if this review will be rating my sex or work performance?
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I woke up today in my boxers hugging a log and realized that I think I've gotten close enough to nature. I really need to stop doing shrooms with you
I held the blackjack dealer's hand and told the old asian woman she was 'soft to the touch, but cold as ice"
OK... But I need to shower first because I'm covered in stuff I definitely shouldn't have slept in
So we were fooling around last night and suddenly Like A Virgin popped up on his itunes
OMG haha What did he say?
He told me that if I laughed, I would have to leave.
Also I literally googled "how to fold socks" so that's how my day is going. How's yours?
Woke up this morning with a plate of ravioli in my bed. Who says being single can't be fun?
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