I'm not a real person
I'm sorry, everyone knows that
you never know when you'll meet the man of your dreams and bang him in an elevator
Skanksgiving break is awesome already... pilgrim and indian roleplay tonight.
You don't know the meaning of what the fuck until you wake up naked and alone in someone's bed staring at a dead squirrel on their dresser.
I would like to apologize for asking to take advantage of you, wishing you a horny Hanukkah and whatever "abd ethw prnym to mzbe yur penis cna be friends" means.
I just remembered I opened the taxi door when I was at a red light last night and puked. And then when I was done I closed the door and told him he may proceed with caution.
I'm stuck on the dance floor between two fat people. I don't think they feel my existence. Please help.
Concert was great. Tackled the lead singer. Met him afterwards. He was cool about it.
I misjudged the power of my pelvic thrusting capabilities. His nose is broken. Thoughts?
Jumanji is 1000% better stoned while cooking breakfast.
In other news, people don't judge you when you buy a vibrator if you buy a funny birthday card and bag with it. I learned that this weekend.
I know we were going to go hiking today, but I don’t think I can face reality until Wednesday
i think im in europe. pls send help
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
Only you could get too drunk for taco bell. I don't know if I'm jealous or ashamed. Go to bed.
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