I think taking a nice shit is a lot more satisfying than an orgasm. This is probably why I'm single.
I finally beat you i just fucked my professor last night!!!\n\n
sry, psychiatrist trumps professor
woke up with a sweatshirt on that said "someone special calls me grandma" and a sword. i'm just going to assume that it was a good night
If you go to the bathroom don't ask why there's diet coke on the toilet. Loller copter. Blow is fun.
All she was asking was for you to describe your coat so she could get it, but you kept yelling at her so the security threw you out.
Just grabbing my bra from a history teacher's desk in the Humanities building. Maybe I should stop drinking on weeknights
Thanks for letting me in last night. I was drunkenly sleepwalking.
I KNEW IT. I HAD A FEELING. THIS IS GODS CURSE. BREAK UP WITH A SEX GOD. GET ONE OF HIS PEASANTS.
Why even have a ground level apt if you're not gonna let me climb out the window? I hate walk of shaming in front of toddlers...
You have set the bar insurmountably high with apple pie and buttsex.
anyways, do you want to make more embarrassing memories that im bound to remind you about later and laugh about?
get your sex hands out of my capn crunch
I LinkedIn messaged people about jobs when I was blacked out
Turns out the guy I did all that coke with the other night is a cop
We're dating now
Dude, don't beat around the bush. We're fucked and you know it.
Randomize
