I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
he invited me to an all week drinking party at his house. apparently he knows the key to my heart is booze shaped.
I can't be held responsible for my own vagina. Let's just be honest here.
I woke up and the only 2 bowls I own were shattered on my floor. Pretty sure my hand and tailbone are broken and I have no idea what the fuck happened
I have too much respect and admiration for my dick to put it into a situation where he could possibly be killed
The funny thing is, we kinda did bring guys home cause you had a fort...
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
Just bumped into my ex. Blowing a dude in the ladies' room at Disney World. I guess it really was her not me.
First day back to class and I have already pulled out the hard liquor
I shit myself when I came, don't have flu sex
My god imagine how much cum is in that astroturf
I'm soaking her vibrators in tabasco and wasabi paste. "furious" is an understatement
There is a pool of ranch salad dressing in my purse...I know thats always been something you've wanted to try..so don't even act like you didn't do this.
This guy needs to stop asking about my feet
Just found out my dad smokes weed too. Mom, grandma, all aunts and uncles, and now my dad too. It's like I'm genetically engineered to be a stoner.
Randomize
