I'm in a strip club that reminds me of a crack house from the 80's.
Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
So how was awkward coffee with forgets-your-name?
My new excuse for sleeping with him was in celebration of his cat's birthday.
if i actually bought condoms for every time i had sex, i could single handedly fix the economy
I want an alcoholic time machine so we could skip to new years eve
He called me while he was having sex and asked if I wanted to go get mcdonalds
Remind me again why sleeping with a coworker and his wife would be a terrible idea.
Stoned in a petco on a Saturday. I figured out that ferrets can eat themselves out. Just picture it. Never leaving.
Yea, she's 42 I'm 23. Girls our age are terrible. All they need is a divorce and a bottle of wine
He was kissing me at red light while his penis was in an aluminum beer bottle peeing..
Duuuude someone spilled hot sauce all over the floor and trailing outside wtf
OH GOD IT'S BLOOD. THIS IS ALOT OF BLOOD.
I finally had to say "that's the hole where I pee" for him to understand.
You full on peed your pants then resurrected yourself like Jesus Christ...
well, shes hot as hell, but she does keep saying she's the president of the loch ness monster's fan club, so that's kinda a red flag...
Randomize
