if you made me into a cookie and threw me into a betty crocker easy bake oven on christmas morning...that's how baked i am
So there is this guy preaching the word of God outside our club. I went up to him and said, "God made this body, and he made it for premarital sex." Sup, Hell?
The police scanner is talking about you again....
and do you remember when you were dressing me if i had money in my bra?
It's now 3:30 and the guy I went home with is showering me with shredded cheese. Nbd.
new plan: i think the keg will fit in my purse.
Still trying to wash and scratch the glitter off of my dick. That stripper should be banned.
She carried my bag of puke down the aisle and the flight attendant wouldn't move the beverage cart so she put the puke bag in the flight attendant's face and said "I have a bag of sickness!" I've never seen a cart move that fast.
I think the guy I was trying to dance with was an undercover cop...
I'm really sorry that I blew your friend in your bed, but to be fair he started it.
I guess you know it was a good night when you find your ripped underwear in your pocket, and a nerf bullet falls out of your pant leg 😂😂
We fucked on the roof... like that has to mean something
Is it sad that I just pissed sitting down so I didn't have to stop eating doritos?
So do you guys remember Danny from Tinder?
Sorry I only remember personality traits, not names.
Let the record show that I hate your ass.
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