Ask me how many people I've slept with. Because its changed since I last saw you.
I saw you 20 MINUTES AGO. You need to stop this.
She said she didn't have time to shave "there"
Then she shouldn't have had time to order the lobster.
ok please explain why some one shaved half of my pubes?
No I'm not proud of you for not sleeping with him. He has herpes. You don't get a gold star for behaving how you're expected to. Trust me. I'm a teacher.
He grabbed every salt shaker in the apartment and we haven't seen him since. He really really doesn't want to shovel snow anymore.
The moral of the story is do not hire me because everything will end up smelling like pickles and I will not sufficiently clean it up.
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
The more I drank he just got hotter and hotter. And then the mustache didn't look too bad
My dog misses eating marshmallows out of your butt when you're passed out. That bordered on sex abuse, now that I think about it. My bad.
I'm sorry I tried to stab you. I just really wanted those mozerella sticks.
Buying drug test kits off amazon. And qualifying for amazonSmile donation to a kids hospital feels wrong and funny at the same time xD
he told me that I'm basically going to be the mom of the house when they move in...i like to see it as being a MILF without the responsibility of real children
We all just got ice cream, condoms, and toilet paper now were gonna go home and watch movies as a family.
Condoms?
my roommates are pretty pissed at me. they sent me out for ice and i came back with a kitten.
I asked you why you bought a sword and you then replied with the greek alphabet and then tried to assure me that samurais are apart of greek life.
Randomize
