Yeah well I just ate cereal out of a muffin pan with a fork. I'll flip a coin as to who has to tackle that pile of dishes we've neglected for 3 weeks.
Roller skating + drunkeness + peeing = mess
They were lying down in the parking garage pretending to be speed bumps...
And the best part is that she's coming home to find that I completely shaved her dog.
Shot gunning beers for breakfast. You better be ready for today.
Only the gays. Guy gives me a handjob in the steam, then changes next to me under his towel
Only the gays
Pretty sure I just shit out pure stomach acid. I'll explain after you take me to a hospital
So Monday we're lesbians.
Deal. This decision is final and any rebates on this will result in losing an eyeball.
How's my date look?
Like a retarded elf
In a good way
I know he's not here, but I can still see him. I found some of my old stash and its good shit so its expected to see sunlight at night and scary llama men. Midgets or otherwise.
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
I woke up to a quacking alarm clock and a rando in my bed. I told him I liked his cargo shorts. Fireball is not my soulmate anymore.
Yeah I ended up covered in the mud by the end, in a lady bug golf cart that was blasting jazz music with a dead phone
I am descending into that finals week rage fueled by ramen, mountain dew and bad sex is what's up.
Hey! Its not the first time I've been eaten out in a bridesmaids dress in a church by a groomsman!
Randomize
