I have left a significant number of teethmarks in my prhone. My mouth tastes like tequila and cheddar. Tomorrow already feels fun.
decided to have an easter egg hunt this year. the golden egg has weed in it and all the others have shots of vodka. who said we were too old for easter?!?
I don't think my arm is broken I can still text
I offered to buy ihop waffles for all the homeless people outside the metro. It was time to go to bed.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
you tried to fill your inhaler with vodka
Drunk at ten am watching Californication re runs. Being divorced rules.
Normally I would go for him, but there's just way too much vodka under the bridge for that
his version of basketball was throwing hot sauce packets down my cleavage at taco bell at 2 am with his buddy.the cashier kept score
I am not even close to finishing violently masturbating over that video.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Want to FaceTime and watch me finish this bagel?
Thanks for fucking me in last night
TUCKING. TUCKING ME IN LAST NIGHT
Just woke up from a dream where I had lesbian sex with myself (a clone of me)... Take that, Freud!
Hopefully they won't bring up last year's Christmas party. I kind of predicted my great aunt's death...
I think I'm so comfortable in my sexual relationship because he mostly wants to see me naked with large plates of bacon tastefully placed upon my body
Just ate 2 pieces of pizza in the shower.. New low or fuckin brilliant??
Randomize