Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
The girl in the car behind me just took a bowl hit. I miss college.
So can we just skip dinner and I'll just pay you for a blowjob?
Don't tempt me, I need beer money.
we've been dating more than a month and i just realized there's no hair on his chest..
you've had sex with him. you must've seen him naked.
nah, i feel like naked sex would be getting too serious for us..
Just found a 7-11 receipt for new years eve at 1:30 am apparently we felt the need to buy three jars of pickles and a gallon of milk does this ring any bells?
I left you pizza on the porch. I didn't want to wake you, if you were passed out on the bathroom floor again. Sorry if it's cold.
We made a trail of cheez balls so we knew how to get back to te apartment.
Nobody has seen her in 3 days. Should we call the cops or hope this is just another drunk Carmen San Diego game she's playing?
With me living this close to Mexico now, Tequila is just a geographical choice at this point if nothing else.
I just had a contest with the toilet to see who could hold their breath longest.
I won
I almost spit out my drink. But only almost, because it was vodka. And you don't spit out vodka.
I mean I'm not saying I have my life together but I did just put nerds in a bottle of champagne and then drank from the bottle
Like if it it's practical for your sexual health I'm allergic to it AKA REGULAR CONDOMS
Literally I can feel my heart beat in my vagina because of how sore I am
You think the guy at the speed wash knows he needs to scrub the vomit off the side of my car?
He knew.
Randomize
