I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
As I was buying milk at the market, the lady at the checkstand said, "what? No alcohol today?" have I really earned THAT reputation?
Being high is an amazing excuse. I was using him for the potential of a beret, come on. I'd do that sober.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
he said i balance and complete him. i feel sick
It's 2:30 on a Friday afternoon. It's snowing and must be about 20 degrees outside. I'm sitting in this class with 300 people using up every ounce of energy and willpower not to puke all over the girl in front of me. This has got to stop.
Have u seen my thong? Last time i saw it was drenched in vodka and on his brothers broken lamp.
Nah but tell him his boxers made it to the basement
Thats not what we're looking for. I want this kid to suck a lolly pop out of a stripper's snatch.
i found waldo and immediately set him to work eating me out. please have more out of season costume parties.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He came on my favorite pants. He is dead to me.
There are regrets.. and there are RAGRETS
I went to a party last night....I stole all of their ornaments and the toaster oven.
I haven't had sex since the Vanilla Ice concert
Please don't have sex ever again just so you can say that forever.
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
No. I don't like you. I like your penis. Chin up. At least I like part of you.
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