he was wearing sponge bob boxers. Guess how long he lasted.
Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
have you ever been in a public bathroom and someone walked in, and you played "Fat or Crying" based on her breathing?
Girls should come with a carfax report
I told her I'd give her some of the cream I was using so she didn't get my warts. That's when I realized I was too drunk.
Count me out. I seem to have semen induced blindness in one eye.
The bosnian sent me a sext with his dick next to a comcast remote. It went up to the "stop" button. Ironic and appropriate. Grab your remote and imagine it.
You've ruined television for me.
i wanted to ask her what his dick looked like but i thought that would be weird for the first time i met her
The less money I spend on drugs, the happier my mom will be.
What the fuck could you be doing in that room to make her yell "Beginners Luck!" over and over again?
I mean he gave me an 'I owe you an orgasm' fist bump
My mom just told me I look like darth vader. how's your night?
Seltzer and cocaine. Life is flawless right now.
I asked him to get me another beer, and he started making muffins.
Drinking at 10 in the morning and swimming might not be the best idea I've ever had but it beats working
Randomize
