ya dads aren't the best wingmen
you know you've been playing too much mario kart when you see a curve in the road ahead and see yourself drifting around it
Ohhh, TODAY your worried. Becasue last weekend when we warned you about her you said "shes too hot to have herpes."
How many folks do you know who bring coke to a dinner party. Seriously.
There's a certain level of slut that i can handle.... I think she just broke that scale
Some guy seriously just got Jimmy Johns delivered to him at the graduation ceremony. This cannot be real life.
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
I just set a bowl of cap n crunch on fire. That high.
Just so you know, my new pet parrot tried to bond sexually with me today. That is what Google told me. I'm not sure of its gender.
So I found where you barfed in my house. Just wanted to let you know that my cat barfed on the kitchen floor in a show of solidarity
In other news, last night I told somebody they made eczema look so good they should call it sexzema.
WHY ARE THERE SO MANY BURPS IN MY SMALL, INCREDIBLY ATTRACTIVE BODY
FINE YOU CAN EAT HOT WINGS WHILE WE HAVE SEX
im so drunk that this cat is mothering me. aggressively
I'm seriously scared right now. Woke up next to 3 geese and a lot of feathers ..
Randomize
