Quick question... Why were there condoms frozen into ice cubes?
Are we responsible for the snowmen doing it doggy-style in my front yard?
I was trying to climb into what I thought was a bunk bed.. Turns out it was just a cabinet under the sink in a bathroom
He asked me how france is treating me
Tell him you got so much dick you may never come back to the US. That ought to keep him away
Grindr hookup awareness: always make sure that you agree to blow one person and they aren't bringing a Friend/boyfriend. Shits weird when you're sober.
Look, when i woke up this morning, I had every intention of being a responsible twenty-five year old, cleaning up, making my budget, and filing my taxes. Its just I got siderailed by pot and downloading classic Disney songs, because fuck adulthood; everyone loves Disney.
The only thing left on my Bucket List is getting fingered at an aquarium.
He was stoned laying on my bed singing I'm a little tea cup while I took a pregnancy test. Thank god it was negative.
Yesterday we were fuck buddies and today I'm meeting his mom. That escalated quickly.
we had sex while we waited for the thai food... a which will come first type of situation
Did I tell you he put a lobster carcass on his dick?
So there is a 50% chance that he just left my house and a 100% chance that I have to be up for work in 2 hours...
Its okay. I just know how you can text with your hands cuffed behind you back, so I had no idea what "oh shit" meant.
I just had to ask my drug dealer to "keep it simple for me". Is this a new low?
We've done worse things
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
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