I heard you threw up in your lap?
I heard that too.
The mexican place next the the funeral home has dollar margaritas, our grandfather would want us to act on this... trust me i know.
my brother walked in while we were fucking, silently took my bong from my closet, saluted us and walked out.
Drunk. I slept-stripped.
By myself.
he said good things come in small packages and I decided to hook up with someone else
took off my bra and popcorn fell out of it. im gonna puke at this wedding...
School starts Thursday. Don't fling yourself out of the car to throw up screaming "classy" before I park this time.
It's a new year.
He's tying my arms above my head and all I can think is that I should've shaved my armpits
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
Ugh. I just found a cum stain on my mermaid pants. Now I can't return them.
Of course that's what I'm wearing. I need to find a beard to mount and ride STAT.
I woke up only wearing a Breaking Bad "Los Pollos Hermanos" apron he got from Loot Crate next to a 3 empty bottles of Zima,Jolly Ranchers, and a jar of coconut oil. Fernet is one hell of a party starter
So I don't think the seahorse breeding thing is gonna work.
That was random, even for you Mom.
also, when i showed up he started talking to me and eventually asked me if the girls treated me well. i went on to talk about my sex life. he was talking about his secretaries.
If I lock her out of the apartment right now would the neighbors have grounds to sue?
Randomize
