i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
What I thought it would be sexy pouring melted chocolate down here chest, ended up in second degree burns. Hot food and sex do not mix.
The first song on his sex mix was "highway to the danger zone"
he walkred up to the manager at dennys and said 'look, my friends passed out in your bathroom, can i go get her?'
She's like the Michael Jordan of alcoholism
I'm amazed your boyfriend is still with you, how do you manage to pee on him while he is holding you in his lap?
WHY IN THE FUCK DID YOU LET ME DRUNK PUNCH STEVE? HE IS SUCH A NICE GUY!
Should I be concerned you put your last name in my phone as "danger"?
Took his shirt off. Announced he was Jesus. Threw up. Asked me to cuddle him to sleep. And then tried to kiss me. Typical Saturday night.
took shots off of a myriad of fake boobs last night. It was glorious.
That moment when your mom is so drunk she makes you get out of bed to lay in her bed because she thinks it feels like sleeping on a marshmallow peep....
If you send me one more .gif of that fumble, I will make the 10 hour drive just to set you on fire.
It's one of those "I can't stand you but we're stuck in the same hotel room tonight so let's fuck until one of us passes out" kind of nights.
I'm eating an ice cream cone and pooping. Don't know how I'm gonna wipe.
dude. that's the chick that BIT MY DICK. it doesn't matter how hot you think she is, trust me man.
Randomize
