I did the walk of shame to another booty call
I don't think that should turn me on, but it does
Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
I swiped a lunchable and a gatorade from my one night stand's fridge, does it count as a date now since a meal was included?
OMG. Hung over at my grandparents house. Threw up on 3 T-stops, countless snowbanks, and the grandparents driveway. Was proposed to last night. Bruised from head to toe from falling down 3 flights of stairs. Debating my intelligence because it seems that "happy new years" is too hard for me to spell. How were your new years festivities?
Um...It has come to my attention that I may have said some rather vulgar things about Sean Connery to you and anyone listening last night, so...I apologize for that. I meant the things I said. But still. Sorry.
So do you want to hear how I got the hickey first, or how I got the black eye?
That is cause you are some weird type of mutant that lives off of Alcohol.
I was like, booze is the closest thing I have to a father. Don't pour daddy down the sink
He said I taste like cake. Like funfetti. So I feel like if he doesn't come back for that he's just dumb
All I know is that I have a black eye and an extra $200 in my wallet. Other than that, clueless.
I knew my sister shouldn't have gone to the bacherlotte party. Two of the other brides maids have black eyes and my fiancé called me and asked if this is the crazy she's marrying
How does it feel to date your dad?
Tomorrow is my bachelor party. If I die tomorrow, please know I graded you a "check" as a sister. "Check-minus" when you got mouthy.
I just watched a magician wearing a fedora deep throat a balloon\n
Did you get drunk between now and two texts ago?
Randomize
