ya know if you hadnt broke up with me, that porno we made wouldnt have a 3.3 rating on youporn right now...
normally I beat off every night before I go to bed even though my little brother sleeps in the same room. So I was starting to last night, and he jumped out of bed and said "Fuck, Im not listening to this shit again" We havent talked since. fuck me
my drunk uncle just explained that turkeys are not gentle lovers... and no context doesn't make it better.
He may or may not be blacked out. We put him to sleep in the community bathroom. He's wrapped in your blanket and he's already puked on it twice. Using your blanket was my idea. Maybe next time you'll ask before taking my vodka.
She texted her brother about how much she loved his hot tub. He responded three days later that he wasn't aware he owned a hot tub.
Dude i don't know we had to beg the bouncer to let us in because you were bleeding everywhere and he saw you run into a dumpster
I think the guy I was trying to dance with was an undercover cop...
That's why we don't trade sex for Taco Bell. It's called the dollar menu.
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
Sorry about the picture of wills balls via snapchat last night btw
Do one night stands count towards my number?
Yes. A penis is a penis
Even bad ones?
YES.
He took initiative. Dragged me into the kitchen and did me on the stove....while it was on! And then we made nachos.
i dont believe you. i want proof. if you end up at a hospital send me a pic.
Considering I drank for you last night, do you mind picking up your half of the hangover
The report specifies "melted cheese food" as the cause of the burns. Your pride, like your cock, isn't getting out of this without heavy damage.
Randomize
