so i had a choice between studying for my physics test on fluid dynamics or spend the night with my girlfriend. hello doubletasking.
i got pulled over in my 'cops love me' tshirt. he didn't think it was funny when i pointed it out.
dear sober me, don't br the first to open the fridge in the morning
Changed my sheets. Found a can of rockstar, crushed bag of tostitos, used tissues, and enough of both of our clothes to make a whole outfit.
my bedside table was not meant to hold this many beer bottles.
I turned down free cocaine. I both respect and regret and that decision.
I feel like I shouldn't be doing my banking stoned. But I bought a new bowl. Her name is Sharpe. Pronounced Shar-Pay.
I think it's our patriotic duty to get high and watch the state of the union tonight
I never want to hear the words unlimited shots for boobs in the same sentence ever again.
So... Sorry I threw that watermelon at you the other day. I didn't think it would break any bones.
Never backflip into an above ground pool. I think the gash will be smaller by Monday though.
my vagina is like this close to growling at me and leading me onto the nearest dance floor
make it buy you a drink first
Come here I'm naked
And I want mozzarella sticks
Just walked past the field playing Jesus music with a fanny pack full of condoms and beer. Happy Sunday.
hey sorry i didnt call i just got out of jail, so you still dtf ?
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