He came on my face and tried to draw out a smiley face because he said I looked like I had a bad day
She just used a chaser for red wine.
Just tried my new showerhead. Sex with Brian will never be the same.
Yeah he kicked my ass... He probably wouldnt have hit me as hard though if I wasnt lauging and yelling " I fucked your sister I fucked your sister" over and over again.
I just puked while everyone was releasing balloons. Im to hungover for this memoial service. Rest in peace great gramps.
just passed out again, this time at a subway. On a positive not they gave me a free sandwich, pretty sure out pity but at this point i don't care
You act like I'm the first person to try and hook up with a blind chick.
I don't have any swimsuits that don't show off the weird handprint bruises on my hips. Do you have a onepiece I can borrow?
I just found out my college boyfriend's nickname is actually a Dutch word for little cucumber.....it all makes sense now.
You shouldn't do laundry high cus pink.
They invented a new game at work. Its called guess if I'm baked, hungover, drunk, or some combination of the three. Its surprisingly very difficult..
No judgement. Sometimes you gotta twerk on a legends face.
You know you're good at multi-tasking if you can get a lap dance from someone while simultaneously eating a burrito.
finals do horrible things to a person. i haven't worn pants since friday
Grandma is high again and locked herself in the house
Randomize
