So random guy from last night came over tonight. I told myself I wasn't going to sleep with him but he had some killer dirty talk and a big penis in his arsenal...what was I supposed to do? Supposedly he lost his virginity to his wife and since their divorce a year ago I'm the 1st girl he's slept with, I feel like I just re-took his virginity...I feel like a rockstar.
Anderson Cooper interviews Obama. It's like CNN is teasing and broadcasting my dream 3 way.
what is TOTES MCGOATS in spanish?
my fake id says im a 34 yr old russian lady ... how is this working
he called me from germany to tell me about all the gummy bears he bought...i'm doubting his sobriety
we got kicked out of McDonald's because you kept screaming THAT SHIT CRAY at the woman in front of us because she ordered a fish filet.
...that shit cray.
I think I just ate eggs off of a plate covered in cocaine.
Okay hun. Well my neighbors haven't called the cops yet so I think we're good. No more burning in the yard.
It'll be a pair of asscheeks that light up when they're summoned.
I have no idea why my husband is mad that I came home at 4 am & all I want to do is eat spaghettios. It's not fucking spaghettios fault.
My sister just showed me a snap chat that I don't remember sending, it was a picture of me with two big macs in my bra with just the words "BURGER TITS"
Having weed delivered to your door is like having your own personal Santa Claus
You know the party's good when you say "Never have I ever caused an emergency landing" and someone drinks
the bartender goes "wow its so good to see you sober" and gives me a hug
No, I'm not a weirdo, I keep bondage straps under my matress like a normal person, not a diary.
Randomize
