I created a new tequila drink. it is a mix of excitement and fear instilled in innocent people.
No. You are not the Kate in this relationship. I will do what I want.
Nights like last night are what makes cleaning up the vomit in the morning worth it
I just took boredom to a whole new level. I just auto-tuned and remixed today's western civ lecture
I'm taking her home. She just told a 90 yo woman in a packers hat to "suck her cock".
Apparently I was so drunk I threw my entire wallet at the stripper on stage. That was the third time I should've gotten kicked out.
I was in my bathroom taking a shit and my mom just opened the door, walked in, handed me a fudgesicle, and left without saying a word. Yeah. That just happened.
Dude, I think shitting blood should be a cause for concern not celebration that you had a great night.
My office already closed tomorrow. I'm bout to get drunk and build a muh fuckin fort. I shall call it "Fort Fuck You, Sandy, You Fuckin Bitch"
I slept through 4/20 and my roommates bought an entire ham that's just sitting in the fridge...
Good god you suck at this wake up call. Seriously. If I can, after consuming enough vodka to subdue a russian soldier, muster up enough motivation to call you in the morning and send you naked pictures the least you could do is pick up.
His crazy is a thing to be cherished
Good news. His dicks gotten wayy bigger since high school. I love Thanksgiving break.
Why does my nose taste spicy?
How do you know what your nose tastes like?
probably because i sent a bunch of guys a snap saying happy one year to my nipple piercings
Randomize
