Its a sad day when your bush has a better set of hair than you do
After giving the pizza guy directions you told him to look for the big stupid looking kid outside in purple
Some idiot from high school is in the hospital for bonging three beers up his ass
He should have died. Natural selection.
She was the shot vending machine at the party. But free.
Im going to make a sandwich and see if my books came from amazon. I cant believe two years ago i was dating eight guys and teaching russian exchange students how to do shots.
omg I just had an epiphany about why I grew into such a whore....
HAVE YOU EVER NOTICED WHAT THE SPICE GIRLS USED TO WEAR?!? those were my idols, I never stood a chance
I forgot that I thought it would be a good idea to hairspray my toilet seat last night after I took 12 shots of vodka so when I just went to pee, I stuck to the toilet. Never drinking again.
I LOVE DRINKING BOOZE OUT OF A FUCKING LAMP
Getting a vibrator would be like waving the white flag of surrender in this war against my vagina and its hormone army.
Walked back to my room from the bus last night and all I see is 3 of my friends on the porch chugging whiskey and then throwing up in unison
You chucked an empty vodka bottle against the wall and yelled "Everyone calm the fuck down, it's just the cops." After 10 seconds of silence I looked over and saw you pissing their fountain.
with the possibility that i could very easily fall in love with him and i've actually talked to my HUSBAND about it
I feel like I don't even know what's gonna happen when we first see each other. It'll be like explosions and glitter and a unicorn will run by pulling a sleigh of alcohol and sex.
it’s my vagina i can do what i want to
Last night I had a dream that a man with an ice cream body entered a bicycle throwing contest and won.
Randomize
