To bright to open both eye. Get pizza and put in feeding tube so i can sleep more
Eating meat and looking at porn while roommate is at church for Ash Wednesday. Win.
his pokemon pajamas? the fact that he was proud of the stretchmarks on his arms? or finding out he has a daughter that went to high school with us? ...you tell me what was the dealbreaker
Nothing says true friendship like 2 people bonding over potentially having AIDS.
I just found the gloves and lightbulb I stole. Did you pee on a ATM inside a bank?
You're always so generous when it comes to your dick.
There was a tour on campus today, and there were two girls i went to high school with in the group. They saw me and ran up to me as i was unlocking my door. when i opened it, kate was laying in a pile of glitter and beer cans. We need to reevaluate.
I'm going home because your Crackraptor step-brother tried getting his nasty meat hawks in my pants last night.
I made out with drunk Joe Dirt and then put his mullet wig on for him. True Halloween romance.
He fingered me in a Waffle House bathroom and then stole a traffic cone. Is this love that I'm feeling?
I'm really glad I had vomit on my sweater when I met his sister.
Your grandma changed her Netflix password :(
Yeah I don't think your wife thinks it's a good thing that you're fucking your cousin.
i just woke up on the desk in his dorm with him snoring in my vagina. better than last week waking up to a different guy puking on my bare ass i guess.
we live vicariously through your huge boobs
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