I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
Just so you know, each of my boobs fits perfectly in a martini glass.
I think I just found part of a tooth on my bed... What goes on in here?
I was tripping so hard I was disappointed when I pulled back the shower curtain and shrek wasn't standing there
I honestly can't remember your justification for putting peanut butter on your cell phone.
second roommate of the year to get clamydia. go life.
bad news.. campus security walked me home last night and when i tried to tell them where i lived they assured me they knew where our house was.
I have dibs on his crisis of faith.
I'm smoking a bowl with matches and a candle while my mother washes dishes downstairs. I thought adulthood was supposed to be different.
And then you refused to pee in anything but a sink
When you wake up with a bow tie and mustache drawn on your penis, you know you had a good night.
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
Well I mean I HAD done a pretty good job of not pooping myself through the years
We played wedding bingo. I made out with the maid of honor and fucked one of the bride’s sorority sisters. But I needed to get with the groom’s cousin, a mother-in-law to be, or the wedding planner to win and I came up short.
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
Randomize
